One of the more tragic discoveries made in my many years as a therapist is the frequent cohabitation of do-goodery and art. Although each is bad enough separately, when combined they form an unholy cocktail of dysfunction that cries out for my brilliant and high-priced intervention.

That is why when I heard about the Advance Memphis fundraiser, Art for Advance, I raced to the scene to offer my services.

You might think that Advance Memphis has already done enough harm to the community by targeting inner-city residents for its job training, financial literacy courses, and job placement services without peddling art to pay for it all.

And you’d be right. But you wouldn’t be thinking like a do-gooder. No, for trouble-makers like Steve Nash and the Advance crew, doing good is never good enough.

That philosophy was quite apparent when I arrived at the event. The walls were packed with paintings and photographs and the halls were crowded with people eager to buy them.

Since the crowd showed no restraint in enabling the misguided efforts of Advance, I decided to restrain a few of them myself, but they were a determined bunch and I was eventually reduced to dispensing therapeutic glares to the attendees as they entered and post-traumatic counseling as they left.

Find more incriminating photos in the patient gallery and on Flickr.

When I first heard about the court order calling for the dismantling of Adam Guerrero’s front yard vegetable garden I thought, “At last, a bit of good news.”

Because if there’s one threat that Memphis doesn’t need, it is citizens that grow their own food, stabilize honey bee populations, and engage in other brutal acts of greenerism.

But when I dropped by Adam’s house to generously help destroy the offending greenery, I was dismayed to learn that most of the garden had been pardoned by Judge Larry Potter the day before.

Adam’s Garden:

Of course, I had heard about the 9000 misguided souls who signed the petition. And the scores of websites across the nation who picked up the story. And even the interference of Alicia Silverstone.

But I never imagined that any of that could thwart the defoliating power of justice.

Though saddened, I took the opportunity to interview Adam and get the dirt on the garden first hand. I was reassured to learn that he has received a whole new array of legal obstacles to overcome. (Hear audio at bottom of post)

Also, traveling just a couple blocks to either side of his house, I pointed out several of his non-gardening neighbors for him to emulate as he takes his first steps on a journey that I hope may lead him back to sanity and corporate dependence.

Adam’s neighbors:

I would like to publicly acknowledge the Washington Post, MTV.com, BoingBoing, Change.org, Treehugger.com, Alicia Silverstone, and scores of others. Thanks to you, another photosynthesizing menace is still on the loose. (For now)

Listen here for my interview with Adam Guerrero:

Mid-town’s annual Cooper Young Festival is a tragedy unfolding in slow motion.

The unbearable profusion of art and music and sheer partyophilia is bad enough itself, but even worse is insidious way that volunteers and do-gooders seem to take up more and more of the booths every year, crowding out critical services like personal injury attorneys and fudge-covered pronto-pups.

Although my inspired non-non-profit festival rezoning petition was sadly struck down in court by bleeding heart judges, I did manage to get some incriminated photos of artists and do-gooders in preparation for next year’s attempt.

You can find more photos in the patent gallery and you can find some of my brilliant work at previous Cooper Young festivals here:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Last Saturday, while more tolerant and civilized people were sleeping in, a mob over one-hundred vengeful do-gooders descended upon the shores of McKellar Lake intent on conquest.

Students from the University of Memphis and Christian Brothers University, as well as representatives from Memphis City Beautiful, Clean Memphis and other misguided organizations, joined together in a fearsome coalition of cleanliness with the sole purpose of evicting acres of peaceful litter from its native habit.

The liter, which had originally fled harassment in the city through storm drains and migrated down Nonconnah Creek, have for years found sanctuary in the lake. But recent flooding has left many of their number stranded and defenseless on the shore, well within the grasping clutches of the city’s do-gooder population and their policy of recycling on sight.

Unrepentant rabble leader, Colton Cockram has issued no apology, but rather called for further civic cleansings to take place on October 1^st and November 12^th.

More pictures in the patent gallery.

More details on upcoming cleanings in the do-gooder calendar.

Despite my many interventions at charity sporting events, the life of fighting do-goodery is not all fun and games. There’s often dirt, sweat, and sudden blows to the head.

Nothing could better illustrate this point than my recent therapy of Memphis CASA at their annual fundraising Kickball tournament.  It was at this misguided match, while beating the do-gooders at their own game, that tragedy struck.

And by tragedy, I mean the other team.

Apparently, CASA’s mission to care for neglected and abused children in Memphis just doesn’t apply to brilliant grown therapists like myself, for while I was rounding the bases – headed to certain victory, a desperate opponent beaned my in the brain with the game ball.

But if you think that impact stopped me from continuing to home plate, then you have a lot to learn about Toboggans tenacity.

See it all for yourself in the video above and find many more incriminating photos in the patient gallery.

It was Friday night at Rock For Love and the stage was set for vengeance. The pieces were all in place: the kiddie pool, my nemesis Kerry Crawford, and 30 gallons of spaghetti.

The crowd grew through the night as band after band lured their fans into the Hi-tone to support the Church Health Center and their hope-mongering agenda of affordable health care.

Around 1 a.m. I had had my fill of do-goodery. I stormed the stage, called Crawford out, and together we proceeded to the Pit of Pasta waiting outside.

The match was filled with sound and fury and lots of cold, slimy noodles. I won’t dwell on trivial details such as who won the contest, let’s just say that in spite of a sudden intake of pasta, I’m still hungery for vengeance.

More pictures in the patient gallery, Live From Memphis, and here.

It is a task that has put me in contact with do-gooders of all stripes, from artist to activists to volunteers to clean-up queens; none have escaped my therapeutic gaze.

So it is with great authority (and no little amount of professional venom) that I unveil the ultimate scourge of our city. The epitome and embodiment of all that is wrong with Memphis.

That individual is none other than Kerry (I Love Memphis) Crawford.

Let’s look at the evidence:

• She loves Memphis
• She participates in volunteer radio
• She sabotaged my sabotage of Rock for Love
• She’s way too perky

Case closed.

I would run her out of town on a rail if only I could find a rail sturdy enough to withstand her Memphis-loving ways.

Which leaves it up to me to personally end her surgery-sweet reign of terror. Which I will do this Friday night at Rock For Love 5.

Due to standing orders from the Surgeon General, my exact methods must remain secret, but I can tell you that it involves a wading pool, a large amount of my own Prescription Pasta, and raw untamed rage.

Come to the Hi-Tone Friday August 19 and see justice dispensed in large, noodly servings.

That is all.

To that end, I recently took matters into my own hands.

Click here to view the embedded video.

I don’t understand what wrong. I followed directions step by step according to the manual.

The very same book so eagerly bestowed upon me by none other than…Kerry Crawford.

Could that Memphis-loving malcontent be responsible for my near-electrocution?

This can only mean one thing: war.

Vital Stats:
What: Rock For Love 5
When: August 18-21
Where: The Hi-Tone, 1913 Poplar Ave.
How Much: $5 Thurs, $10 Fri-Sun
Kerry Crawford: Soon to be suffering
Exact times, bonus free show, and other enticing details: here

Such was the case when Michael Cardwell first captured the greatness and character of our town with his This is Memphis portraiture collection.

The exhibit started strong: just a single image of me and the declaration “This is Memphis.”

But if artists displayed good judgment they wouldn’t be artists, and so in short order Cardwell’s itchy photo finger had diluted the powerhouse collection with pictures of entrepreneurs, commoners, and even do-gooders.

It became difficult to find the genius in the haystack.

So when it came to my attention that the collection would be temporarily leaving the internet to adorn the walls of Mpact Memphis, I leaped at the chance to re-infuse the exhibit with a concentrated dose of awesome.

Although Mpact had a crowd density that would make sardines thankful for their can, I took the opportunity to resolve once and for all the age-old quandary of whether art imitates life or vice-versa.

The result: Art makes a terrible role model.

• Follow Michael Cardwell’s further adventures in portraiture at This Is Memphis.
• See more pictures in the patient gallery.

Welcome back to the Mind Over Memphis TherapyCast. In this fourth burst of audio-pathic therapy, my podcast is hijacked by the nefarious Marvin Stockwell of the Church Health Center in order to announce the Rock For Love music-festival fundraiser.

Listen in stunned disbelief as:

• Stockwell recounts the seemingly endless list of bands that will be infecting the festival. (4:35)
• The silent auction merchandise is announced – including the brand new Mind Over Memphis prescription shirt-like garment.(14:15)
• The hot-headed hooligans of Memphis Roller Derby are entrusted with guarding the loot. (a bad call if ever there was one)(6:15)
• Your Doctor is lured into hosting the Friday show through entrapment and false advertising. (2:30)

Remember my patients, even though I’ve been tricked into facilitating this event, you must fight your powerful instincts to rush out and see me. I am merely the irresistible bait in the Church Health Center’s trap.

Vital Stats:
What: Rock For Love 5
When: August 18-21
Where: The Hi-Tone, 1913 Poplar Ave.
How Much:  $5 Thurs, $10 Fri-Sun
Exact times, bonus free show, and other enticing details: here

Listen Here: